Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
