I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He passed out mid-signature
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
