no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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