There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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