i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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