i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
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