There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
