I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
