Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
