Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
