everyone is single if you try hard enough
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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