remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize