Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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