I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
