i permit you to call me
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
