All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
