for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
