wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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