i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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