I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
