saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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