Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
