Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
