Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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