I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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