KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
