Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You made out with two different species that night
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
