I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
