Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
