I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
