just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
