Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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