walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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