If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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