Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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