i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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