So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
