It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
