Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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