Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
only you would photoshop your dick
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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