Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
