Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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