her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
