i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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