Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I CAN MOONWALK!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my being single is dangerous.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize