Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
