You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
did i walk over a car last night?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
