Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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