There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
