I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
being pregnant is like rehab
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
