Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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