I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
