May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
