Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
