I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize