Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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