he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
