I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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