Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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