I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
