you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
